Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
