I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
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I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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