I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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