You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
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No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
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I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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