I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
