You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
