i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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