i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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