you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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