does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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