She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
