Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
