I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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