why didn't you poke me back
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
