My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
