we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We got so high we made milksteak
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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