Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
