Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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