Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
