I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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