Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
