just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Damn victory sex feels great
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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