Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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