someone get that fucking seahorse.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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