Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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