I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
