omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
