well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
