If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
