mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
