Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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