The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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