i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize
