It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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