Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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