yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
