True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
