rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
