I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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