We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
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its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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