Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
