I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
