I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
