I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
