I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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