wrigley field is MILF paradise
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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