So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
we're so committed to being not committed
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
