my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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