I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
