He kissed a someone with a penis
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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