Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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