and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
