I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
