fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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