I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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