can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize