I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
