You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
