Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
