I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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