I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
