I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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